Rejected Girl Scout Cookies

Meet the cookies that didn’t make the cut.

Even-Thinner Mints

So thin that they’re basically the Eucharist.

Eventhinner mint cookie.

Tagalong . . . ifyouwants

Still peanut butter and chocolate, but incredibly bitter.

Tagalong . . .ifyouwant cookie.

TruthCrisps

Fudge biscuits stamped with inspiring messages for young women, such as “We all hate it here” and “You have to decide if you want a child by thirty-five.”

Whoop-si-daisies

Crafted to replicate the burnt flavor of the snickerdoodle prepared by your teen-age babysitter, Kelly, who forgot that there was something in the oven because she was texting her boyfriend, Mark, who has a popular YouTube channel devoted to skateboarding tricks.

Whoopsidaisy cookie.

Pumpkin deLites

Actually named after the world-famous collector of Charles Manson memorabilia, Bill deLite.

Puber-teenees

A cookie that channels all of your adolescent rage. It jumps like the Kool-Aid Man into your mouth and gets stuck in your palate expander.

Puberteenie cookie.

Bump ’n’ Grinds

Like Do-si-dos, but sexier. Kelly and Mark eat these all the time.

Jumbo Samoas

Exactly like everyone’s favorite cookie, except oversized. Like, scary big. Serves one.

Jumbo Samoa cookie.

Girlboss-ios

A microaggression sandwiched between two shallow compliments.

Soft Yellows

Fluffy sugar cookies with a lemon-curd center. Inspired by the time you wet the bed at a sleepover and were too embarrassed to say anything about it, so you just lay in it all night. (Kelly never does this.)

Soft Yellow cookie.

Your-mom’s-the-tooth-fairys

Comes in a combo pack with Santa-is-Dads and Leprechauns-are-real-but-will-ruin-your-lifes.

Li’l Missys

In memoriam of your former best friend, Missy, who isn’t dead but who recently quit the Girl Scouts to join Becca’s dad’s indoor-soccer team.

Lil Missy cookie.

The Thinnest Possible Mints

As thin as Kelly!

Buckle-ups

Baked in the iconic shape of a troop leader’s minivan, which somehow always smells like soup.

Buckleup cookie.

Double Stuf Trefoils

Still kinda boring, though.

Shoulder Taps

Spice cookies with rum flavoring. Because you’re not a fucking Brownie anymore.

Shoulder Tap cookie.

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