Meet the cookies that didn’t make the cut.
Even-Thinner Mints
So thin that they’re basically the Eucharist.
Tagalong . . . ifyouwants
Still peanut butter and chocolate, but incredibly bitter.
TruthCrisps
Fudge biscuits stamped with inspiring messages for young women, such as “We all hate it here” and “You have to decide if you want a child by thirty-five.”
Whoop-si-daisies
Crafted to replicate the burnt flavor of the snickerdoodle prepared by your teen-age babysitter, Kelly, who forgot that there was something in the oven because she was texting her boyfriend, Mark, who has a popular YouTube channel devoted to skateboarding tricks.
Pumpkin deLites
Actually named after the world-famous collector of Charles Manson memorabilia, Bill deLite.
Puber-teenees
A cookie that channels all of your adolescent rage. It jumps like the Kool-Aid Man into your mouth and gets stuck in your palate expander.
Bump ’n’ Grinds
Like Do-si-dos, but sexier. Kelly and Mark eat these all the time.
Jumbo Samoas
Exactly like everyone’s favorite cookie, except oversized. Like, scary big. Serves one.
Girlboss-ios
A microaggression sandwiched between two shallow compliments.
Soft Yellows
Fluffy sugar cookies with a lemon-curd center. Inspired by the time you wet the bed at a sleepover and were too embarrassed to say anything about it, so you just lay in it all night. (Kelly never does this.)
Your-mom’s-the-tooth-fairys
Comes in a combo pack with Santa-is-Dads and Leprechauns-are-real-but-will-ruin-your-lifes.
Li’l Missys
In memoriam of your former best friend, Missy, who isn’t dead but who recently quit the Girl Scouts to join Becca’s dad’s indoor-soccer team.
The Thinnest Possible Mints
As thin as Kelly!
Buckle-ups
Baked in the iconic shape of a troop leader’s minivan, which somehow always smells like soup.
Double Stuf Trefoils
Still kinda boring, though.
Shoulder Taps
Spice cookies with rum flavoring. Because you’re not a fucking Brownie anymore.
