It’s not that I don’t want you to solve the Wordle,
I just want you to ruin your entire day trying to.
Josh Wardle technically invented Wordle,
but once he sold it to my employer, The New York Times,
I became the senior word engineer
and let’s just say heavy lies the crown.
You might say, oh, you just have to come up with
a dumb little word every day,
but the truth is whatever little five letter word I choose
will become the most important
God damn thing on the internet.
Despite the fact that we’re in the middle
of a world war and a pandemic.
The word has to come to me, you really can’t force it.
My favorite words are the ones that seem easy,
but actually like totally fuck with you.
Who knew a word like shake
could give you so many wrong guesses.
You’re not gonna solve my Worldle
in two tries every day, okay.
And every time you try to vowel load me
with your adieus and audios,
I’m coming back at you with cynic, proxy, knoll.
I have no vowel words too.
So are we sure rebus is a real word?
Are we sure you’re not a complete idiot, Barry?
I’ve never heard of it
I’ve never heard of it.
Why don’t you see if you can find it
in this dictionary, Doris!
As a condition of the merger,
we did have to retain a few of the original Wordle writers
and I’d be lying if I said they weren’t a bit soft.
So I was thinking we could do Irish
for Saint Patrick’s Day
A little on the nose, don’t we think?
How about drunk?
How about fired, Barry?
Is that a good five letter word?
Typical day for me begins at 4:15 AM.
I meditate for two and a half hours
in order to get all of the noise outta my head?
for the next few hours, I only speak in five letter words
in order to get the juices flowing.
Bring babka close.
Babka, Wayne yummy.
I can’t take this much longer
Just to be clear,
I do get immeasurable joy out of watching you fail.
but every so often when someone breaks through
and gets my word on the first guess,
I feel seen.
Except for that one weirdo who got moist,
that’s a disgusting human for you.
Wrung, vivid, swill,
how do I pick a favorite?
It’s like God asking Abraham to pick a favorite child,
only I’m not Abraham, of course.
I’m fucking God.
Just shoot me.