What Things Cost Now

Here at the Department of the Treasury, we understand that you may have concerns about rising inflation, soaring interest rates, and higher prices. When the economy begins to wobble, it becomes important to keep track of the prices of goods and services. With that in mind, here is an update on how much things cost now.

A gallon of gas now costs as much as an entire car cost whenever your parents were growing up.

A gallon of milk now costs the shame of telling someone that you, a single adult, bought and then drank an entire gallon of milk.

A plane ticket now costs the patience that it takes to deal with the two or three passengers on every single flight who have apparently never been around other people before.

A movie ticket now costs being O.K. with seeing a movie called “Morbius.”

Going to a wedding costs about the same amount, but you now have to go to ten more of them per year.

A coffee now costs realizing that you’ve had too much coffee and are going to spend yet another afternoon worrying that everyone hates you, all while feeling every bone in your body vibrating.

A gym membership now costs having to listen to that one guy at the gym every day who scream-breathes after each rep.

A Twitter account is still free, but Twitter itself now costs forty-four billion dollars. The cost of continuing to scroll is your grip on reality.

A Netflix subscription now costs a phone call with your ex to let them know that you’re going to keep using their log-in information because Netflix now costs too much.

Ordering takeout now costs the one to two hours that it takes to decide where to order from, and then an additional hour or two of scrambling once you realize that the place you picked is now closed.

A house now costs the most money you’re possibly willing to pay for a house, plus a hundred thousand dollars.

Rent now costs random new numbers that your landlord makes up every few weeks.

A loaf of bread now costs as much as all the ingredients you bought to make your own bread at home, which you stopped doing after your sourdough starter started smelling really weird two weeks into the pandemic.

Restoring a cast-iron pan now costs running out of people who will listen to you tell them about how you restored a cast-iron pan.

A pound of bananas now costs accidentally leaving a pound of banana peels on the floor and slipping on them every evening before bed.

A math textbook in Florida now costs twenty dollars for two textbooks, so that’s . . . forty dollars per textbook? Is that right? Sorry, we never learned how to solve these kinds of word problems because they banned most of the math textbooks in Florida.

An earlier version of this article misstated the sale price of Twitter.

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